the inescapable truth about adulthood

Perhaps it’s the fact that my younger sister – the baby – has just turned 25, thus reminding me that I’m now on a slippery slope to 30, that I’ve been thinking about this strange concept called adulthood. How do we know we’re grown-ups? Because I certainly don’t feel all that worldly and wise.

Here are some salient truths (good and bad) about being an adult, from one who has finally decided to pretend she is one some of the time.

  1. You desperately want to see the new Disney Pixar movie at the cinema without being judged, and immediately do a stock take list of all the children you know whom you could conceivably bring along as your excuse, without being perceived as creepy.
  2. You’ve actually (on more than one occasion) started a conversation with, “Kids these days…”
  3. At weddings people will absolutely ask you when you’re getting married – complete with suggestive eyebrow wiggles – even if the person standing next to you is not, in fact, your significant other, but rather the bus boy collecting your six empty champagne glasses.anigif_enhanced-16953-1393442457-8
  4. You realise that you’re still legally allowed to be attracted to the hot guy on teenage TV dramas, since technically the male actors are at least 30 and probably already using Rogaine to fend off any potential receding hair lines.
  5. Gone are the days when you woke up dewy-skinned and fresh in the morning. For early starts it now takes three coffees, and some serious attention to detail to distinguish yourself from the creepy cat lady down the street.
  6. How much you do or don’t like a person you’ve just met is heavily influenced by how well they guessed your age.
  7. Your tendency toward power naps has increased.
  8. Your day was completely ruined by the 18-year-old shop assistant who called you Ma’am.giphy (3)
  9. Your three-year-old cousin can better navigate an iPad than you. This one is alarming… it basically means you’re about two years away from being your mother and proudly proclaiming to anyone who will listen that you were “Googling” things.
  10. You’re waiting for the day you get your first grey hair, at which point, you’re planning to shave it all off, flee to Alaska and live your life as an extreme fisherman (or woman, as it were).
  11. You now have no one to blame but yourself if the fridge is empty.
  12. You’re an absolute dynamo when it comes to building furniture from IKEA.
  13. Perky people never cease to alarm you.giphy (8)
  14. Your parents will still give you advice as though were 16, which you will promptly disregard as you’re “not a child anymore”. Of course, you’ll totally be proven wrong about it. Again.
  15. Going to a club makes you feel like your 100-year-old neighbour – despite still being in your 20s – because you’re surrounded by infants who couldn’t possibly be 18.
  16. You’re technically old enough to have a 10-year-old (at least!) child, even though you haven’t yet mastered keeping your front garden plants alive for more than three days.
  17. When with your friends all pretence of sophistication goes out the window because you’re having too much fun “meerkating”.
  18. Life is now suddenly rife with awkward moments of your own creation.giphy (6)
  19. You literally live for your next holiday, such that come summer time you find yourself glaring at the oblivious throng of teenagers strolling around in front of you simply because they’re bored and on their school break.
  20. When you’re on public transport and really want to sit down in the seat reserved for the pregnant, elderly and disabled, and seriously contemplate whether the combination of your breakfast muffin and a bit of hunching will convince people you have a baby bump.
  21. You’ve become so much more domesticated that you consider the purchase of new lamp shades for your apartment to be retail therapy.
  22. Your list of weekly errands is longer than your list of actual assets.
  23. You read the nutritional contents on the wrapper of a chocolate bar, gasp in horror at the number of calories, and then promptly eat three.giphy (5)
  24. A late night out and a few drinks too many on a Friday now means you’re officially broken until Monday. At the very least.
  25. You contemplate the beautiful but really expensive pair of shoes in a shop window, acknowledging that buying them will almost certainly mean you can’t afford to eat for the next month. You then consign yourself to tinned peas and frozen broccoli because being well dressed provides you with almost enough sustenance to get you through anyway.
  26. At work events, during the small talk portion of the evening, inevitably someone asks you if you have children too, and you’re horrified to think you look like you might be old enough for that.giphy (1)
  27. You just can’t believe property prices right now.
  28. You think back nostalgically to the days of being underage and sneaking into bars, but then you remember they were invariably disgusting and you were drinking Malibu and pineapple or Bacardi Breezers, and suddenly feel so glad you can lounge with the girls over cocktails and Pinot Grigio whenever you want.

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